Porn on the bus and other noteworthy happenings

Before I begin this post in earnest, I first want to thank all of you for the cards, phone calls, and emails about my back injury. Your outpouring of concern truly warmed my heart.

(And just to be clear, by “all of you,” I mean Justin and Bernice. The rest of you smell. Really bad.)

I’ve had an interesting couple of days since I last broke bread with you good people, so interesting, in fact, that “interesting” doesn’t do it justice. What I’ve seen has ranged from the comical to the bizarre to the pornographic (more on that one later).

But first, some good news: I may soon be bidding adieu to the world of unemployment. On Wednesday, I got a call from Aventura Publishing, who, perhaps not incoincidentally, I had emailed my resume to a few days earlier. They’re looking for some editors and want me to come in next Wednesday. I told them I’d be more than happy to oblige. They publish an eco-travel magazine and a high-end Costa Rican lifestyle and real-estate magazine. I’d be happy to work on either one of them, or both. Wish me luck.

OK: Highlight time.

In the past three days I have seen:

• Two homeless men dunk their heads in a fountain downtown
• A dude walking down the street smoking a joint like it ain’t no thang
• A middle-aged man with a beard halfway down his chest singing a duet (poorly) with a lady half his age, accompanied by someone on a keyboard
• A different homeless guy sleeping on the sidewalk, using newspaper as a pillow

I’ve also watched a movie, in Spanish, starring Lil Bow Wow, had a small dog attack me, eaten at a Costa Rican “soda,” and, most importantly, enjoyed the best chocalate milk of my life. If you ever have the chance to get Dos Pinos Choco Leche, do it. You'll thank me later.

I’ve actually been so busy that the infamous “To Do List” made an appearance yesterday. And just for the record, I would like to say that, yes, the first item on the list was, “up.” That’s right, I include waking up on my “To Do List.” You just can’t beat getting up and already being able to cross something off your list. Gives a man a sense of accomplishment. And before you ridicule, think about this: In the relatively new novel, “The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time,” the main character is a savant in math. He likes the way everything has rules, the way everything is structured, and he likes to plan out his days down to the minute. In fact, he makes his own “To Do List,” which includes getting up as the first entry. What does that say about me? I’m don’t know, but when I started this paragraph I thought it was a good defense. Now I’m not so sure. Let’s move on.

I think I forgot to mention before that my potential job is in a town about 10 miles from here. Just to make sure I could find it next Wednesday, Heather and I did a dry run yesterday, catching one bus, then walking to another, then taking that one to the town where Aventura is located. After finding the right building and eating at the aforementioned soda, we caught a bus back and were pleased to see that the bus actually had a TV in the front. I was almost immediately disappointed, though, because the time of day, poor screen quality, and position of my seat made the TV almost unviewable.

After a few minutes of listening to music (the audio played throughout the bus), I noticed a distinct change in the sound. All of a sudden, instead of “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor, I heard a little “bow-chica-bow-now.” And since we’re all adults here, you know what that means: porn. (Oh, you didn’t know? Of course you didn’t. Neither did I. I was just speaking in generalities.) Anyway, like I said, I couldn’t see the TV, but Heather, who was sitting a row behind me, assures me that very little clothes were involved and that no body part was hidden from the camera.

The porn was only on for a few minutes, but now that I’ve experienced commuter porn in a Third World nation, I’m convinced anything is possible. Mel Gibson converting to Judaism? Why not! Bill O’Reilly admitting that he’s a Republican hack? You bet! Shaq making it through an entire season without referring to himself in the third person or quoting “The Godfather” trilogy? Sure! Getting Dave or Travis to admit that I’m better than they are at ping-pong? Maybe, just maybe. (At some point you’d think they’d have to take a look at the cold, hard facts and give it up.)

And if all that could happen then I can definitely get an editing job in Costa Rica. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.